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After writing my goodbye letter to Ed (previous entry), thinks food-wise got a little off. I couldn’t really determine why. After all, I had just wrote a strong letter denouncing my eating disorder and saying that I didn’t need it anymore.

Finally, after a lot of thinking (and crying), I realized that it was most likely because I didn’t have the support I needed after writing. I usually see my therapist and dietitian biweekly, and I hadn’t/haven’t seen any of them in over a month! Things have been very tight with money (mostly due to errors made by stupid companies!–how frustrating!).

I’m realizing that I’m getting extremely discouraged because of how things are going, and cannot wait to see my therapist next week. She doesn’t really know about anything–gender stuff, food stuff, my sobriety…

It’ll be good to get some of this off my chest. However, just thinking about it, I’m getting overwhelmed. I have so much to update her about, how can I ever fit it all into 50 minutes?!?

Until I get to see my dietitian again, I’m going to try to set some solid goals for myself. I would like to try to start eating more mindfully, pausing at intervals to determine how I’m feeling. I’d also like to make a more concerted effort to food journal for the majority of meals, and to ask myself what I’m really in the mood for. On that same note, I’d like to start listening to my cravings and what I am in the mood for! I’m realizing that ignoring how I’m feeling emotionally just leads to poor decisions later. Finally, I’d like to try to slow down and take a step back when I start to feel overwhelmed/stressed. Instead of restricting or bingeing, I’d like to step back and ask myself “Why are you feeling like you need to?”

I’m feeling really overwhelmed without the professional support from my therapist and dietitian, but I think these are some great steps to take in the meantime.

More exciting news: I’m going on vacation this weekend. My partner and I are heading to Vegas, and stopping at a Nature Conservancy walk on the way. We’re also hitting up a baseball game tomorrow night. As if that wasn’t enough, I’ll also be meeting her mom for the first time! It should be a jam packed weekend.

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