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As I stated before, my dietitian and I are adding a new dimension to my recovery, where I simply examine my behaviors in a non-judgemental way.

For example (and this is from the ‘book,’ but is not an actual story of mine): “Oh wow, I just noticed that after talking to my ex-boyfriend, I didn’t want to eat all day. Interesting! Why do I think that is?”

It’s a way of learning from your behaviors and not getting caught up in what is “right” and “wrong” and “good” and “bad,” which in the eating disordered world, always means “thin” or “fat.”

It’s a little easier to do after the moment, but the point is to be able to use these skills while one is in the moment. A little while ago, while I was procrastinating, I took a look through my Facebook pictures and saw one that upset me. I didn’t like how my body looked. I started to sweat. Fidget. My shoulders tensed up. Five minutes before, I was fine. But now? I needed to know my weight. I had to.

Only one minor problem… We don’t have a scale in our apartment. Both my partner and I are in recovery from eating disorders, and one of the first things we were told to do was get rid of our scale.

This was an issue for me, and remains one to this day. My sister and best friend used to always poke fun of me for my “relationship” with my scale. I brought it EVERYWHERE. When I traveled home from breaks during college, it was in my bag. If I was going to be out of my dorm/apartment for over 24 hours, I brought my scale with me. I even had a back up scale that I could use when that one broke.

Pulling through moments like that are always so difficult. While I’m sitting there, feeling like my world is going to collapse, it’s so easy to forget to use the “skills” I learn in the office’s that make up my treatment team. When I’m sitting in my dietitian’s office, breaking apart the keys to my body image, eating disorder, and various addictions, it’s easy to work through moments. After all, I feel so safe there. Bombs could be dropping outside and I’d still be in the moment.

But like many of you know, all of that goes completely out the window when you’re in the moment, sitting there having a complete breakdown over something so simple.

The thing that worked tonight was looking back to how far I’ve come. I thought back to the first time I told myself that I would not purge. I had just eaten shrimp and cocktail sauce–probably the mostĀ sustenanceĀ I had that whole day. Immediately after finishing, the urge hit me. It had to come out. But that night, for the first time, I didn’t do it. I didn’t use some skill to get through it, I didn’t avoid or leave the room. I just didn’t do it. I was curled up in a ball, sobbing hysterically, for over an hour.

And although, in that moment, it seemed like the world was going to end, and that I’d die if I didn’t purge (how ironic), I am still here. Still kickin’, still living, still here.

If nothing else works, and I’m having a really hard day, that’s what pulls me through the moment…. This too shall pass.

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